TGIF | How to Build Secure Attachment Within Yourself: A Self-Healing Practice
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Dear Community,
This week, our team had the privilege of welcoming an outside trainer who's spending the annual first quarter with us, talking about all things somatic psychotherapy. While our team is pretty adept at these practices, learning from someone else's perspective is always humbling and inspiring. My mind was blown many times, and I felt so grateful for the opportunity to continue learning from other people in our field who are committed to this way of doing the work. To feel inspired right now is a welcomed feeling, and I hope today’s newsletter gives you something a little extra to aim for.
Beyond Regulation: The Importance of Expression
Recently, there's been much discussion in mental health circles and online about "regulation"—specifically, nervous system regulation. We've frequently covered this topic ourselves. However, our trainer emphasized to our team this week that while practicing regulation is essential, it's even more crucial to find ways to be appropriately dysregulated and to express that in a responsive manner.
I've shared before about the natural tendency to suppress others' big feelings. We ask someone to "calm down," and we tell them they are "being dramatic." The dismissal of others' feelings leads to an inauthentic expression of genuine emotion. Many times we tell our clients that emotions are energy in motion, e-motion, so they must be released. But more often than not, we are told or shown that our emotions and the natural way we want to express it is too much. It makes others uncomfortable.
This "too muchness" results in a little “t” trauma - a dismissal, a shut-down, a shaming and self-criticism.
Because our too-muchness threatens belonging, safety, and acceptance: the cornerstones of secure attachment.
While no one is perfect in meeting someone else's emotional needs (nor expected to be), we must be adept at repairing when we fail to allow space for someone's expression.
Starting Within: Building Your Own Secure Attachment
I understand it can feel overwhelming, so let’s simplify this. Focus on creating a safe space within yourself for every part of who you are. This is the foundation for developing a secure attachment.
See, when we experience a disconnection from our primary caregivers in reaction to our emotions early on in our childhoods, we also begin to disconnect from ourselves. Our needs and emotions become scary and threatening, as they result in distance and negative responses from others. Perhaps you can sense a feeling within you as I'm saying this. That clenching of your throat, a pit in your stomach, a tingling sensation of when you've been judged or misunderstood, or when your feelings are not validated or responded to. Of perhaps when you've been dismissed when you're in real pain.
The Path to Self-Validation
First, we must validate our experience for ourselves. This is tough when we've been cutting ourselves off from ourselves to feel safe and accepted in this world. Many clients show up with a pathological disconnection from themselves. It's a survival and coping mechanism. It's a natural response to establish safety and control and keep showing up in this world.
Instead of experiencing the painful feeling of rejection, an individual might continually emphasize achievement and success to gain control over others' approval. Conversely, another person might take on the role of a selfless giver, acting as the nurturer within a group, as the fear of not being needed is overwhelming, isolating, and frightening.
Our big feelings are uncomfortable. Pain is a terrible feeling. And if when we've expressed our pain and others cannot be with us in that pain, at our most vulnerable moments, it's shattering. But shattering in front of them would be even scarier, so we stuff it down, we repress, we suppress, we avoid that pain at all costs.
The Human Need for Connection
Humans are wired for connection - we're tribal mammals. The ability to be with someone in their pain is key to our social development and success. The denial and dismissal of someone else's pain is avoiding an important piece of our evolution: that we are naturally here to support one another's survival. Sure, that can look like providing food and shelter, but it's also about assisting in emotional safety.
Maybe centuries ago, emotional safety was last on the priority list, but look what that's done: generations and generations of poor coping mechanisms. Generations coping through thievery, manipulation, control, substances, abuse, lying, oppression, and other maladaptive behaviors. So many of these coping mechanisms were due to the inability to express real emotional pain.
War veterans told they were heroes, so brave and such strong men. The lack of the PTSD diagnosis or any real conversation about how witnessing and participating in the atrocities of violence impact people's humanity. Our education system was built on the principle that humans are machines and task rabbits, developed from the same philosophy behind assembly lines at factories. Children, raised without the assumption that they have unique learning styles and may develop at different rates. Mothers, denied support and care at childbirth. Denied the ability to be with their babies without the added pressure of being a sole caregiver, as the partner dutifully goes back to work. Men abused for shedding a tear.
To be able to safely express our emotions is paramount to real human survival.
Practical Steps: Meeting All of Yourself
So let's go back: how do we be with all of ourselves? How do we, starting with us, reset the intergenerational trauma that comes from the constant invalidation of real pain and feelings?
We observe our experiences. We can practice witnessing our emotional and physical states by cultivating awareness of our body and mind. We begin to identify our feelings and bodily sensations. We acknowledge these occurrences and explore the reasons behind them. We aim to comprehend our inner experiences without judgment. We are aware.
We allow ourselves to safely express first within ourselves. This might start with deep breaths. It may be clenching our jaws and our fists and allowing tension to really be felt. It may be accepting a nervous stomach and the uneasiness that comes with that, embracing the risk of an upset. It may be finally paying attention to that hip pain, leaning further into it by stretching and sitting in the discomfort. It may be yelling into a pillow, rage journaling, tapping on our knees, or stomping our feet. We allow.
We keep doing this. We continue to practice noticing and allowing, all the time, with every feeling, sensation, and emotion. We don't stop when it gets too big. We don't stop when our chest tightens, or we feel we may purge. We continue despite the pain and discomfort. Because by doing so, we're showing up for ourselves repeatedly, affirming that we are not too much. That we can handle all of ourselves - our weak selves, our ugly selves, our messy selves, our imperfect selves, our angry selves, our disappointing selves.
All of me meets all of me.
Over and over again.
Dear ones, you're not alone in this. Please reach out if you need help learning and practicing. It starts with each of us. I love you; you can do this. Human evolution depends on it.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
Internal Family Systems (Parts Work) remains one of my favorite ways to access those rejected painful feelings we’ve suppressed and repressed. All of our therapists are skilled at using IFS strategies to reveal those parts we’ve exiled and all the parts that are protecting us through coping mechanisms to feel safe and secure. IFS reveals our illusions and invites our authentic selves forward. It’s a beautiful process!
Gratitude
I’ve also found deep gratitude for the practice of EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. I’m halfway through my certification program in the method, and getting to experience it myself has been soul-opening. Once my program is completed, I look forward to incorporating more somatic-based memory processing and bilateral stimulation within our team’s toolbelt.
Innovation
I have come to believe that the only way to move past cycles of burnout, depression, and disassociation is to reveal the truth of our history. This history is not only ours but also the history of our ancestors. Our bodies hold our truth - every cell tells a story - and we must get intimate with those narratives. I love this work. While intense, it’s incredible to finally let go of all we hold.
Feels
I am wholeheartedly dedicated to fostering an inclusive environment where everyone feels welcome. Although the current climate is harsh and divisive, I believe that within each of us lies a vulnerable child seeking love and security in this world. I extend a warm welcome to each of you. While we may hold different perspectives, I am confident our fundamental desires align. Let us assist you. Hate does not bring healing—only love and compassion can.