TGIF | Finding Happiness in Difficult Times
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Dear Community,
Are any of you fans of the author Kristin Hannah? Most of her stories are incredibly gut-wrenching as they follow typically female main characters struggling against insurmountable odds of war, famine, or sometimes both. For me, what is most powerful about these stories is the persistence of the characters. In spite of everything falling apart around them and excessive loss, they keep going.
I just finished yet another one of her books and sobbed quietly into my pillow, trying not to awaken my husband sleeping next to me as the story ended. Persistence is about survival, but I also think we can apply it to how to be happy. Just like the characters in Kristin Hannah's novels, we can find ways to persist and discover happiness even in the darkest of times.
Assuming our basic needs of shelter, food, and water are met, there are ways to uncover happiness even when things seem to be falling apart. Today, I will share the framework developed by researcher and author Dr. Judith Joseph, a psychiatrist at NYU who has been conducting studies on this for decades: the 5-Vs for Happiness.
The First Ways to Be Happy: Validation and Venting
I have many clients and friends who, when struggling, often say, "But it's not that bad, so many people have it worse." I'm sure you have said or thought that before, too. The problem with this statement is that it invalidates your experience. Even if you have a mansion and a pantry stocked with food, if your spouse is emotionally unavailable, your kid is being bullied, and you're at risk of losing your job - your pain matters and is still important to you. I've never believed that there should be conditions for your struggles, like criteria you have to meet to make it "bad enough." This very reasoning is why so many people avoid asking for help.
However, the first two ways to be happy are to validate and vent about your feelings. We can self-validate if we're well-practiced at asking the questions, "How do I feel?" and "What do I need?" However, I've found that many unhappy people have no idea how to ask these questions or are unprepared for the answers. Validation can best come from a third party - a trusted friend, a supportive family member, or a professional. For example, sharing your feelings with a co-worker who understands can provide validation and support if you're feeling overwhelmed at work.
Venting, too, can be done independently. Have you ever rage-journaled? Okay, maybe it's just a "me" thing, but pouring your feelings onto a page is deeply cathartic. Venting can also be physically releasing feelings through movement, like going for a run or hitting a punching bag. Venting is also talking about it, but again, finding someone who can hold space for that without trying to solve your problem is key. Enter, once more, a trained professional.
The key to both of those initial ways to be happy is that you do not have to do it alone. Reaching out to others can make a world of difference in validating your feelings and finding healthy outlets for venting.
The Third Way to Be Happy: Values
Do your daily actions align with the life you want for yourself?
What do you value?
When discussing how to be happy, we must understand our values. Those who struggle with mental health often do not know their values.
Not knowing your values is like driving without direction. Regardless of how things are going, we must have a compass, anchor, or both. For instance, you may feel unfulfilled if you value creativity but spend all your time in a job that doesn't allow it. Aligning your actions with your values is crucial for happiness.
Two exercises I recommend for people to help identify their values are:
Regarding happiness, we must align our actions with what is important to us. This alignment keeps us motivated and consistent and puts a bit more skin in the game of empowering our own joy. If you value family time, prioritize it in your schedule. If you value learning, seek opportunities to grow and develop new skills.
The Fourth Way to Be Happy: Vitals
Dr. Judith Joseph explains vitals in a way that aligns with our Pillars of Mental Wellness. We must have an outlook on our overall, holistic well-being. Vitals ask us to examine our sleep patterns, food and substance consumption, how we are (or are not) moving our bodies, and how we generally take care of ourselves.
If our health is sub-optimal, this is not a disqualifier for happiness; it simply means we're empowering ourselves to do all we can to find ways to practice balance and care for ourselves. Even if we are suffering from intense grief, a chronic illness, or a new debilitating diagnosis, we do not have to be 100% healthy to try still and be happy. We need awareness of our health - our physical habits that inform how we feel overall. For example, if you feel more energized and positive after a good night's sleep, prioritize getting enough rest each night.
But it can also be super basic: rest, nourishment, breath, movement, and connection. Even under the worst circumstances, there's always an opportunity to tweak at least one of these to improve your health. If you're feeling stuck, start small by focusing on one area, like drinking more water or taking a few deep breaths when stressed.
The Final Component of Happiness: Vision
My family is on a little vacation this week, and with a little extra time, my husband and I sat down to create our vision board. I last made one when I was 23 years old, working for an insurance company. Oddly enough, all these years later, so much of what I pictured back then is a lot of my reality now.
Life is challenging, especially when we must accept uncertainties about the future. We cannot predict it, but we can aim for something. Having a vision is not about disconnecting from this moment but believing each moment is precious and worthy of fighting for. Your vision might include starting a family, traveling the world, or launching your own business. Whatever it is, let it guide and motivate you.
Ah, so persistence. We keep going. We feel our feelings, express them, take care of ourselves to best align our lives with our values, and keep going. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.
Happiness is on the other side of persistence. It's not a pursuit (because we know happiness can be found at all moments), because that means it's somewhere out there and we must chase it down.
No, happiness is a moment of observation when we realize, in that moment, that yes, here I am. I am alive. It's the little things, like the smell of fresh coffee in the morning, a heartfelt hug from a loved one, or the sense of accomplishment after tackling a challenging task.
You are never, ever alone. Reach out. You don't have to do this on your own. Together, we can persist and find happiness, even when everything seems to suck.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
Another author I adore is Fredrik Backman. For my book club this month, we read one of his short stories, The Answer is No. I won’t give away the story, but it’s about happiness and, true to Backman’s style, full of incredible dialogue and storytelling. Books are always an avenue to perspective—another excellent tool for happiness.
Gratitude
If you know much about mental wellness, many will say that gratitude is the main criterion for happiness. I agree, but it’s a practice. What I love about Dr. Joseph’s Five Vs is that she gives solid steps to help us move toward gratitude, acceptance, and mindfulness.
Innovation
There are many studies on happiness, but Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning changed my life and direction for my well-being. Throughout the Holocaust, Frankl survived and persisted, finding moments of happiness. I highly recommend reading his book—I believe it is essential for all humans.
Feels
The comments section is never usually my favorite area to read, but today, I found an exception researching this newsletter. A listener wrote on the podcast page for Dr. Judith Joseph’s work: “I’m a teen survivor, high school graduate, writer, and college student. Every morning, I wake up at 5 a.m. to focus on what truly matters—exercise, journaling, learning a new language, and mindfulness—and listen to this podcast. Going through the toughest fight of my life made me realize how precious every moment is. Every step I take is a chance to create the life I want, and no obstacle is too big. Keep pushing forward because you’re stronger than you think. You'll never regret living.”.