TGIF | The Universal Struggle of Knowing Ourselves
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
I’ve been processing something I wanted to share with you past week, as we’ve also honored World Mental Health Day this week. It’s about knowing ourselves, and I know it’s a big concept that gets tossed around a lot. I want to break it down because, based on what I’ve witnessed in my 10+ years as a mental health professional, it has everything to do with our mental health.
Who Are You?
When I was at a training two weeks ago, I met a lovely older woman. She was in her late seventies and attracted people with her warmth. As part of our training, we had to share our RUGS: Regrets, Unfinished Business, Guilt, and Shame. Not many people are willing to open up about these topics with strangers, but that’s therapists for you! So, after a brief introduction, my partner shared through teary eyes that at almost 80 years old, she’s not sure she’s ever let people really know her. As a leader in her community, she’s let people create an image of her, and she’s felt pressure to uphold it: perfection, generosity, altruism, and yet, by not opening up to all of herself, she’s alienated some of those she loves the most.
Again, Who Are You?
Hearing this woman share this truth at her mature age broke my heart, and I see it daily. Most of us live our lives projecting an image of ourselves that hides our deepest insecurities and fears. Afraid of not being enough? We may show up as high achievers. Fearful of not belonging? We may be so “go with the flow,” so we blend in anywhere. Fearful of rejection? We tend to other’s needs before our own, people pleasing and self-sabotaging.
This aging woman, who’s been living just a half-truth of herself for so long, fears that if people saw her imperfections, too, she would no longer be of benefit to her community. Her image is created to be aspirational; it’s her job to be a beacon of love and grace. Yet, if she shows vulnerability, she fears the facade will corrode all trust others have in her, and therefore, her worthiness will disappear.
Of course, we can see the flaws in her philosophy, but it’s all too common and sometimes too late for most.
No Really, Who Are You?
We so quickly identify ourselves by our roles—Partner, Parent, Midwestener, Professional, Athlete, Amateur Cook, Collector, and Friend. These labels are meant to keep us feeling connected and safe. They help us feel worthy, loved, beneficial, and enough; however, we are so much more than these labels. We are the collection of our experiences - regrets, decisions, losses and shame, joy, adventure, awe and love.
We are a connected essence of body, mind, and spirit. We are energy. We are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. We are a construct. We are matter. And we matter. You matter.
Renowned Psychiatrist Gabor Mate says that the root of all trauma is abandoning authenticity to pursue love, safety, and belonging. This quest starts early in our lives as we build secure attachments with primary caregivers and learn how to behave to meet basic safety needs. More significantly, as we grow older, the ways we try to retain relationships may be self-damaging as we please others and lose ourselves.
So, Who Are You?
I did an experiment this week. I asked my clients, “Who Are You?” at least five times. As soon as their response paused, I asked the question again. People hated it. Seriously, they were unhappy with me (sorry, clients!). Many said it was so uncomfortable. Many said, “There’s just nothing else,” with a sense of defeat and disappointment.
I noticed that we feel we must be someone to be anyone of worthiness. Most of those I asked live with great pressure to amount to something or do something significant in their lives. They feel an expectation to “get there,” finally being the person they’ve always wanted to be, and then maybe they’ll feel content and enough. Then, others will also see their full potential, and they’ll die with a lovely legacy.
They just want to matter.
Becoming, Is About Remembering
My training was for an End of Life Doula. It’s a story for another day about how I got there and why, but the significant learning was this: if we keep chasing a version of ourselves that we think will finally be enough to matter, we’ll miss letting ourselves and others enjoy who we already are.
I believe, below the R.U.G.S., every single human here is loveable, worthy and enough exactly as we are. We are just lost in the noise of trying to prove ourselves, find love, and behave in toxic ways instead of remembering we were always enough.
In honor of World Mental Health Day and, heck, mental health in general, I ask you this: Can you take a deep breath, put your hand on your heart, and tell yourself that you are loveable as you are in this moment? Now, imagine someone else that you love and send them the same message. Lastly, the first stranger you see, silently pass along this message, too—you matter, just as you are, you are enough.
I don’t know; maybe the world could be a better place for all…
I’ll leave you with this quote from Rabbi Sharon Brous’s book, The Amen Effect, “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive. Becoming ourselves is a spiritual imperative of the highest order—for our own sakes and for the sake of the world.”
I see you. You are not alone.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
There is a reason why “You Matter” is the messaging behind the National Suicide Hotline 988 tool. This resource is a dedication to all those struggling, and they are absolutely worthy enough to have someone available 24/7 to attend to their needs. Additionally, You Matter as a platform helps to destigmatize seeking help and ensure people are genuinely cared for.
Gratitude
Leaders like Linda Cliatt-Wayman are change-makers and she believed in her impoverished students and their potential. The biggest difference is that she never encouraged or motivated from a place of blame or shame. No, she started with love. See, when we already feel loved, we have so much more capacity to realize our dreams. She gave her students a solid foundation from which to grow. Principal Cliatt-Wayman, we are grateful to you.
Innovation
Love is a robust and energetic force. Imagine the short, innovative slogan that Principal Cliatt-Wayman used in her schools and how that could be offered to all humans: "If no one has told you today that they love you, know that I do." What would it mean for you to extend love to those around you at all times? How would it feel? What about being on the receiving end of that love?
Feels
When we allow ourselves to be seen and known, we cultivate a greater feeling of mattering because we’ve grown our sense of belonging through our true selves. This Halloween season, leave the masks at home ;)