TGIF | How to Heal Yourself Through Feeling More of the Good
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
For the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about some deeper things, and today, with this beautiful fall weather, super moon, and peak fall foliage, I want to touch on something equally, if not more important: pleasure.
To Know Pleasure is to Know Pain
Pleasure is necessary for our growth and healing journeys. Sometimes, we can get so caught up in the grief, pain, and suffering of our experiences that we even denounce pleasure, like we’re not worthy of it or it feels too out of reach.
Healing is not just the juicy, good, beautiful, and easy parts; healing is intrinsically about balancing pleasure and pain. I recently started a more strenuous exercise routine, and my instructor the other day was talking about foam rolling, something that is often avoided by anyone exercising because it can be uncomfortable. And she said something so simple: “Yes, but we have to heal”.
How to Feel Pleasure is a Practice
Her statement about how discomfort is a catalyst for healing reminds me of an acronym by psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson—HEAL—which reminds me to stay in pleasurable moments so we can translate them into healing.
I practiced the HEAL method the other night. It was a Friday night, and we just got home from a soccer game where my son's team won, and everyone was in good spirits. It was a beautiful second-summer night. So we lit the bonfire, and the four of us sat outside. I watched my sons chase after the ball with the dog, hearing their giggles from the lawn. Trees were picking up the wind overhead, and the fading light cast beautiful shadows.
HEALing Through Pleasure
As Rick Hanson says, H is to Hold Onto the Moment, to acknowledge that you’re even in the pleasurable and joyful moment. E is to Enhance the Moment, so we ask ourselves: What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? How does your body feel?
A is to Absorb the Moment, to really hold it in within you. On this particular night I noticed such immense joy and contentment. I noticed a vibration of pleasure that went through and around me. And then L, which is the most important part Link it to a More Challenging or Uncomfortable Memory.
While it was uncomfortable to go to a recent trauma, I noticed my ability to witness that event was filled with greater ease, kindness, and openness. From my blissed state, my body felt safe and therefore empowered to access challenge and discomfort without throwing me off balance.
And this is where the magic happens.
Creating Space to Heal
His method is similar to the meditation practices we do at Reset, where we work to expand our capacity to approach distressing stressors, memories, and beliefs while keeping our bodies at peace, compassionate, and curious.
When we can hold space for two things at the same time, like foam rolling, it brings immense relief while simultaneously causing pressure, some discomfort, and even pain. But we know it’s doing what it’s supposed to do.
The same goes for healing. There is no healing without discomfort and pain; we can also access it through gratitude, goodness and joy.
We Must Go There to Arrive Here
When I first started therapy, I told my therapist: no going backward; let’s just focus on the future and how I can get better. I thought this method worked…and it did, for a while.
After graduating with my counseling degree, I continued this philosophy into my early work. I was stubborn in believing childhood didn’t matter and visiting traumas was unnecessary. But let’s call it what it was: I was afraid.
I’ve always known I avoid discomfort—boredom, confrontation, restriction, discipline… but in going backwards, I’ve been able to understand why, and it changed everything for me. I no longer identify myself by these self-proclaimed limitations, which morphed into really pervasive criticisms of myself and ate at my self-esteem, feelings of worthiness, and belief in myself. It took pain and discomfort to open me up to a more authentic version of myself, to really know myself.
I now know that challenging experiences are there to crack us open and reveal more of our truth. As a therapist, I wholeheartedly believe that we have to be courageous to revisit the painful experiences of our past. I also now know, to my very essence, that in order to feel gratitude, joy, and pleasure, we must feel discomfort and pain.
It means going to your edges—not pulling away from the challenge but welcoming it in. It means being brave enough to ask hard questions of yourself, revisit your timeline, and work to understand the “why” behind your behaviors.
This is doing the work. As the HEAL method and other somatic methods demonstrate, we can go there from a state of calm, even bliss. Just because it’s work doesn’t mean it has to be inherently hard. Next time you’re in a moment where you get a flutter of pleasure, try and HEAL through it.
And dear one, I see you. You are not alone in this. I believe in you. And you are worthy of pleasure, joy and so much love.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
A friend told me about Chatbook, a monthly subscription that allows you to create mini albums from your photos. This nifty tool has been so much fun in our house. I love having these mini collections of a period of our lives to reflect on. The kids grab them weekly to look through, reflecting on the memories together. Joy, joy, joy.
Gratitude
Every day, I say “thank you” out loud, and this daily practice has been transformative. Yesterday, with the big moon, I looked at it and recited everything I was grateful for. My son’s recent book talked about making sure we also notice the little things, not just the big things like family, friends, health, and safety. Little things like spoons, the scent of a candle, dew under our feet, a warm shower, and a perfectly cooked stir fry. Notice the little things, too - it’s another way to access healing.
Innovation
Dr. Rick Hanson’s method approaches discomfort from the bottom up. You may have heard this phrase before, and it’s everything we, too, believe in at Reset. When we approach challenging experiences and thoughts from a bottom-up, body-first, or somatic perspective, we can get the body online to safety to open ourselves up to curiosity. This is another way to practice mindfulness, as well. And how innovative is it to access it from a place of pleasure first? There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this work.
Feels
Yoga is the ultimate teacher of pleasure-pain principle. Yoga “Asana” translates to seat, so the physical pose practice of yoga is all about finding a comfortable seat. It’s often why you’ll hear teachers ask you to find your edge - that place of discomfort before you really could injure yourself - and breathe. We are taught to settle into the discomfort, using our bodies to find and feel ease, even in the discomfort. Yoga has been one of the greatest teachers for me, and I hope you, too, have found a way to access the ancient wisdom of the practice. Ask your therapist at Reset about yoga, too. Even 5 minutes in a session can teach you something.