The Beauty of Different
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Dear Community,
Nick and my wedding program had a quote on it:
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love. — True Love: Stories Told To and By Robert Fulghum
Weirdness. Difference. Uniqueness. Diversity.
We say we value these things, but do we, really?
TOOLS
My four-year-old, Cole, taught me some beautiful lessons this week.
In two instances, Cole has reminded me how beautiful of a tool our clothing and accessories are to express our individuality.
See, Cole wears a rainbow friendship bracelet every day. He knows not anything about how people may perceive this, other than he thinks rainbows are awesome and beautiful. He also sees mom and dad wear stone bracelets and enjoys his own. Lastly, it’s so special to him because his best friend made it for him and in his words, “When I wear it I think of her and it makes me happy.”
Additionally, this week a classmate of his brought in Disney ears. She explicitly said, “The black ones are for the boys and the polka dot bow ones are for the girls”. We were told by his teacher that Cole was so sad when this was announced. His teacher quickly intervened and said anyone could have any pair they want. When I remarked later to Cole how cool his ears were he said, “Yea, I didn’t like the plain ones. I like colors, so I wanted that one!”
It’s so simple. Yet we assign so much judgment and pretext to these little things. Children especially should not and do not need to make decisions based on historical bias, gendered narratives, or most importantly, what other people may think.
GRATITUDE
And I think most children have this freedom. I’m grateful for parents in our community that also encourage individuality and open-mindedness. It allows me to feel safer as I allow my children to freely express themselves.
I am also grateful for Generation Z, who challenge our ideas of gender, broaden our lens of inclusivity, and are relentless in their pursuit of equality. I’m grateful my two white sons get to grow up in a world where toxic masculinity is not normed and when being kind, sensitive, rainbow-wearing cis-gender boys doesn’t mean anything.
I’m grateful for the HAES movement and anti-diet culture. I’m grateful that our children are growing up with anti-racist literature and critical race theory. I’m grateful for the communities fighting against censorship. I’m grateful for the millions of activists, advocates, and allies.
INNOVATION
A wonderful activist and author, Karen Waldron is quoted:
“It’s easier to endure vulnerability than comparison.”
Read it again, because I do not think a lot of people believe this idea.
Vulnerability doesn’t feel safe! Vulnerability is scary! Vulnerability is painful!
And also, intellectually, you probably know comparison is bad.
You know that keeping up with the Joneses is exhausting and scrolling Tik Tok Catfish videos is toxic. Yet I find that comparison is actually more comfortable for most people. It’s innate, as the comparison is an ego-driven survival method! The better we are, or the more we fit in, with those around us, the more accepted we are. We belong and feel safe.
For our BIPOC and LGBTQAI+ communities, fitting in has been about survival in a very necessary and real way. Because of our patriarchal and predominantly straight, cis-gender, white culture, expressing difference is legitimately dangerous.
So the majority - those of us privileged to be white, straight, and identifying as cis-gender, are the ones that must do the work to make it safe for everyone.
FEELS
We have to embrace, accept and love our unique diversity (skin color, accent, height, weight, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, etc) to make it safe for everyone to freely be themselves. Enduring vulnerability is a practice. It isn’t meant to be painless.
It’s hard but we practice vulnerability every day. We do it by leaving our house, loving someone, investing in something… We actively endure vulnerability through our existence of being human. We choose it every day. It feels uplifting, empowering, and expansive in my body. It’s a worthy effort.
But to endure comparison? I feel a constriction in my chest as I think about that. I feel a need to recoil. I feel icky, gross, and disappointed in myself. I don’t want to do that. I do not want to partake in comparison.
I don’t want to judge myself so much that I do not allow others to feel safe or free in their own uniqueness.
We get so offended when something is different or challenges our beliefs or way of life. We take it so personally. We see it as an affront to our own personal choices. We get insecure. We feel rejected. We feel like we are wrong. We are threatened.
There is an urgent call here. We must actively choose vulnerability in order to embrace and celebrate our differences. We must allow ourselves, our neighbors, our kids to show up exactly as they want to be. To cut their hair, to sing that song, to change their pronoun, to wear that outfit, to have that friend, to say that thing, to gain that weight, to quit that job, to move to that city, to do and be something different.
It starts with each of us.
The more we judge ourselves, the more we judge others.
We all have to do this together, for the safety, freedom, and celebration of everyone because different is beautiful.
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