How to Be a Good Person
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Dear Community,
I was talking to a lovely client of mine last week and she mentioned that kindness seems to be lacking. She works in the schools and has noticed this year how the kids just seem more, well, mean.
Now, developmentally kids can be mean as they learn boundaries, press against authority, and work to establish emotional regulation skills. But she mentioned that it feels kids are more reactive and therefore less curious, compassionate, and calm.
To her, I said: yep, kids are a mirror of their parents. And parents, well, they’re tired.
As a society, we’re trying to raise the next generation of good humans. In a world that is tired and messy, how do we do this?
TOOLS
My son has a shirt that says, “Be a Good Person”. I love the brand and their story, in which they ask, “are you doing everything you can to be who you want to be?”.
Well, a lot of people and a lot of our clients come to us with this essential question: Who Do I Want To Be?
We then try to answer it with things like parts and roles: a parent, a partner, a business owner, a doctor, an architect, an activist, a perfectionist, a vegan, an athlete, a healer, a yogi, a foodie, a friend.
Those are labels that start to mix up our sense of identity. Identity is an interesting concept in itself. Identity, as it starts with “I”, is about the ways in which we differentiate ourselves in order to be uniquely us. In doing so, we create separation amongst one another. Of course, biologically this is important as humans have battled for survival.
But when we are able to choose our self-concept, I like to use tools to nudge clients into looking at themselves as a combination of verbs vs adjectives.
GRATITUDE
When we first opened Reset, the idea of groups was essential to me. Unfortunately, the pandemic and growing pains put a delay on that mission. The reason behind my passion for groups, however, remains as I see it as a mechanism for creating community.
Each one of us is ego-driven. As I stated above, it’s simply innate. We hold these devices in our hands starting with the letter “I” - about each of us doing more, portraying more, and truly self-involved. It’s okay, we’ve been trained this way!
But in order to step into being a good person, we must drop into our communities at an elevated level. My husband and I just finished watching The Longevity Film that studied the reason why Blue Zone residents have such long life spans. You may have heard of the Blue Zones before when it comes to “optimal diet”.
Yet as I watched this movie, it was obvious that the secret to longevity is happiness and the key to happiness is community. Viktor Frankl is a leader in this idea too: that man’s meaning lies in his relationships.
So while I am grateful for the technology that allowed me to have Zoom Happy Hours, Facetime with loved ones, and see pictures of my son at school… humans can not override the power of in-person, community-driven connection on our total well-being.
INNOVATION
So many of us are striving for self-improvement. We work hard to be better and do better, autonomously. If we exercise, meditate, drink green smoothies, read Brené Brown, talk about ourselves in therapy, educate ourselves more, find our passion, slow down, and journal…we’ll reach enlightenment and awakening and optimal wellness so to be resilient, thriving, and happy.
But that is so “I-centric”. What is actually an innovative concept of self-care is we-care. Okay…that word isn’t catchy. BUT, wellness does have a “WE” in it.
What if we saw wellness as a collective pursuit instead of an individual endeavor? What if self-care is really about building ourselves up enough so we have the capacity to connect, co-create and communicate in our communities? Isn’t it through a collective that we actually rise up and create positive change and influence?
FEELS
When I work with clients on their self-concept, it’s not about being their “best selves” but about being their most authentic selves. In that authenticity and truth, they find themselves so much more connected. They find themselves supported, safe, loved. They find themselves being in a state of calm. They are compassionate, creative, curious, clear, and confident. See, verbs.
But more than anything, when we operate from this centered, grounded space then we can choose to act from love over fear. Love, vulnerability, connection… are the markers for happiness.
As the world begins to open her arms, be brave and walk into them. Travel, sit at a coffee shop, have playdates, hug your friends, go to dinner, enroll in that group or class…put down that damn phone.
To be a good human is to remember your humanity.
We need one another. Especially in the messy, tiring times.
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