Grieving During the Holidays
“Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love.” — C.S. Lewis
Someone once told me that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. And that the grief we experience feels so great and so unique, because the love we had for the person we lost was so immense and so special. These words and their sentiment have brought me comfort, both along my own grief journey, and as I have walked alongside others through theirs.
Weathering the storm of grief after we lose a loved one is difficult and grieving during the holidays can be especially challenging. As we look towards the upcoming holidays and the new year, it is important to take time to prepare, to care for yourself, and to find ways to stay present. No matter what holidays you celebrate, if this is your first holiday without your loved one, or if you have experienced many, I hope that this can provide you with much needed support during this season. If you are hoping to support someone you know who has lost a loved one, this can also provide some insight into how to do so.
Have a Plan
One of the most valuable things we can do during the holidays if we are grieving the loss of a loved one is to make a plan. This allows us to anticipate rather than simply reacting to what happens. The plan does not have to be set in stone, but it is an opportunity to think through potential challenges that may come up during the season. Maybe you and your loved one always went to a New Year’s party together. If you plan to attend, it can be helpful to have a plan in place for what steps you can take if the party is overwhelming. This could look like having a safe person there that you can inform that you are struggling, self-soothing skills that you can utilize while you are there, or even a plan to leave if it becomes too much. Holidays themselves are often only one or a handful of days, but the weeks of anticipation can sometimes be the worst part. Planning ahead can also help to mitigate the feelings of anxiety that come with anticipation.
Take Care of Yourself
Self-care looks different for everyone, but it is vital to prioritize ourselves during the holiday season. We often spend this time focusing on others, but we must care for ourselves first and foremost. Getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising are all healthy ways to take care of yourself. Making sure to schedule down-time for yourself amidst a busy holiday schedule can help you prevent any feelings of burnout.
Lean on Others for Support
During your grief journey, finding safe people to lean on for support and share with is so important. This could be family, friends, or others in your life that you feel comfortable talking to. These people should be willing to listen without judgment. If you are having a hard time finding someone that you can talk to, I would recommend reaching out to a therapist, or looking for a local grief support group.
New Hope Center for Grief Support is an organization in Northville that offers numerous free grief support groups based on both type of loss and age.
Talk About It
We live in a society that often shys away from talking about death, and with that, talking about grief and loss. Experiencing the death of one of my closest friends at 17 and another dear friend 2 years later, led me to dive headfirst into conversations about life, death, loss, and grief. The more we can lean in and talk about not only our experience, but our loved ones, the more we can move towards healing. If talking about it feels too difficult right now, journaling, drawing, or writing letters to our loved one can be an alternative way to get some of our words and emotions out of our bodies.
If you are looking to support someone who is grieving, remind them that you are a safe person that they can talk to. Be present with them and listen without judgement. Allow them to speak openly about their experience, their feelings, and share any memories of their loved one with you.
If you are supporting grieving children during this season, the National Alliance for Grieving Children has a Holiday Toolkit on supporting grieving kids during the holidays.
Practice Mindfulness
Grief can often take us out of the present moment. We may find ourselves overwhelmed with emotion, or stuck thinking of past memories of our loved one, or considering what the future will be like without them. Meditation and the practice of mindfulness can help us stay grounded in the present moment and calm the mind. Engaging in a mindfulness practice can help you reduce stress, increase resilience, sleep better, and discover new meaning after suffering the loss of a loved one. If a meditation doesn’t seem accesible to you, you can always try mindful breathing, mindful walking, or other forms of mindful movement. One of my favorite simple practices to incorporate mindfulness throughout my day is that whenever I arrive somewhere, I like to take 5-10 deep belly breaths before I get out of my car and go into wherever I have arrived. Belly breathing and mindfulness can help to calm the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that is in charge of emotional responses and particularly fear and the fight or flight response.
This study shows how mindfulness improves emotional regulation and executive control in bereaved individuals.
Read more about meditation and mindfulness for grief and try a free headspace meditation for grief here.
Practice Acceptance
One of the hardest parts about losing a loved one is acceptance. It is something entirely out of our control. I like to look at the loss of a loved one as an opportunity to practice what is called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the complete acceptance of the situation that we are faced with. We often resist accepting that our loved one will not be with us this holiday season or for another year, but acceptance is a powerful tool in moving forward. Moving forward can sound like we are leaving our loved one behind, but there is an important distinction between moving on and moving forward.
Click here for one of my favorite Ted Talks on the difference between moving on from grief and moving forward with it.
Honor Your Loved One
This might look different for everyone. Maybe you honor your loved one by baking their favorite cookies or recipes during the holidays. Maybe you light a candle for them each night during the holidays. I worked with a group facilitator who always liked to set a place at the table for their lost loved one. However you choose to honor your loved one is beautiful and can be an important reminder that although your loved one may not be present, the love you have for them still is.
Create New Traditions
Sometimes carrying on old traditions that were led by your loved one doesn’t feel right or isn’t feasible. In these instances, creating new rituals or traditions can be a supportive way to move forward. Maybe you alter old traditions to fit better with your current phase of life, or maybe you get creative and try doing something totally different and new this year.
What’s Your Grief shared 16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition After a Death.
As I move forward year after year after the death of my close friends, I feel honored to have known them and comforted knowing that the love that I have for them is still present. And I am so lucky to be able to share that love as I support others along their own journeys.
Click here to learn more about grief therapy.
