TGIF | Embracing Mistakes: Building Compassion Through Tolerance and Trust
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Dear Community,
Have you ever made a mistake? I certainly have, and I want to share two significant experiences from my career in human resources over a decade ago. These moments taught me invaluable lessons about tolerance, grace, and the power of embracing our imperfections.
The first mistake happened at a start-up. We had just undergone a massive reduction in force (RIF), and I felt a deep sense of responsibility and empathy for those affected, especially since we had hired a group of salespeople just three weeks before the layoffs. In my desire to reach out and offer some comfort, I sent an apology email to a former employee who had been laid off. Unfortunately, my well-intentioned email was misinterpreted, leading to a lawsuit against the company. My heart sank, fearing the worst. But then, my boss at the time said something that changed everything: "It's all okay, this is a good lesson. You’re still learning." In that moment, I felt safe, seen, and supported. Trust me, I never wrote "I'm sorry" in a business email again! That boss remains one of the best I've ever had—a manager and a friend who taught me the importance of offering grace in times of error.
The second major mistake occurred at a smaller company. I recommended a company policy without consulting an attorney about the relevant labor law. The result? We were threatened with a lawsuit. This time, the boss's reaction was starkly different. He was accusatory and ultimately said he couldn't trust me. I was heartbroken, ashamed, and sad, and I ended up getting fired. This experience left a deep scar, and I harbored resentment towards that boss for a long time. I felt a knot in my stomach whenever I saw his or company's name.
The difference between these two scenarios is profound—one boss made me feel safe in my imperfection, while the other did not.
How often do we not feel safe to fail? Growing up, I often felt that admitting a mistake would lead to harsh consequences, so I would lie or try to hide my errors to avoid the pit of shame. As a parent now, I strive to accept and move on from my children's decisions. When they make a mistake, I ask them, "Was that a good idea or a bad idea?" They know the answer, and then we move on. Nothing else needs to be said- no shame, no blame.
However, sometimes, we can spiral into shame after a mistake. My dear 7-year-old has a quick response. I’m even quicker to help him rewire. Often, after getting in trouble (serious/stern mama comes out), he’ll start saying, “I’m the worst kid ever”. Rather than let him spiral, I correct him quickly by saying, “I don’t agree with that. I believe that you are a good kid who made a mistake. I still love you, and I’m here to help you learn from it”. The other night, he made a pretty serious mistake, and we worked on going so far as using tapping and having him repeat, “Even though I made a mistake, I am still a good kid, and I love myself”. You can never start too young ;)
My husband, too, has been instrumental in helping me accept myself despite my imperfections time and time again. Let me share a story we call the "IntegriTree" incident in our home. One day, while shopping at Target for our new home, the cashier didn't scan a large fake Fiddle Fig tree inside a basket. Instead of pointing out the mistake, I left the store feeling rebellious, like I had gotten away with something. My husband immediately noticed the error on the receipt and asked why the tree wasn't charged. My face flushed with embarrassment, feeling like a child caught in a wrongdoing. Rather than scold or shame me, all my husband said was, "Okay, well, let's go make this right." We returned to the store, and I asked them to charge me for the tree. Now, we call it our "IntegriTree"—a symbol of repair, acceptance, and taking responsibility for our mistakes.
Tolerance of others' mistakes is vital for creating a safe and supportive environment. Life is messy, confusing, and complicated, and it's challenging always to do the "right thing." So, we must engage in courageous conversations and moments of connection to heal and prevent mistakes. My boss, who offered me grace, took on the leadership role, making a hard choice not to make me a scapegoat. He saved me by offering himself, demonstrating courage, and building trust. It was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.
Conversely, the boss who fired me missed an opportunity to help me learn instead of sick into shame. Instead, I felt betrayed, and the relationship was irreparably damaged. I didn’t need the boss to rescue me or save me from the consequences, but a bit of compassion would have taught me a lesson. When we drop into shame, we often cannot get out and fail to learn from our mistakes. When someone is generous in helping you learn from your mistake, you can move through it quicker and without getting stuck in a threat cycle.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a renowned psychologist, often discusses the importance of assuming the most generous interpretation of others' actions, behaviors, words, and intentions. When someone makes a mistake, can we assume the best possible reason for their actions? How does it harm us to do so?
I had a mantra in graduate school: "Trust the good." Dating was hard and uncomfortable, and to keep going, I reminded myself to trust the good in people, to believe that they were trying to do good, even if they didn't always get it right. It's easier to assume the good, to think that most people are out there trying their best, even if they occasionally strike out.
Because here’s the thing - the grace you offer to someone else is the grace you’ll give to yourself. Mistakes are a part of living. Embrace them, learn from them, and love others through it all so you can keep loving yourself through your own imperfections.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL—As a business owner, I love this tool for aligning with others we work with, leading, and managing to build trusting relationships.
GRATITUDE— I have so much gratitude for my husband who with each of my errors (typically expensive ones) offers me grace and support. He never is ruffled. I hope every person has someone like that - to support us through our imperfections non-judgmentally.
INNOVATION—There’s an incredible mindfulness tool to witness our own judgments. We complete the sentences, “I notice…”, “I wonder…” and “I think…” following an observation. It’s amazing to see how often our observations are filled with judgment, to build awareness of this tendency, and then try again.
FEELS—Sometimes, we make mistakes that cause others pain, rejection, and grief that we can only feel and heal through ourselves. Trust can break, and it’s painful to come back from. Those of us with an anxious attachment style can try to push our way in to quickly resolve the rupture; however, most of the time, someone needs time. And ultimately, we are not in control of whether someone will let it go and forgive, nor can we ever expect them to, so too must we let it go.