One Mom’s Advice for a Better Winter
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Wintering: A Call to Rest
I picked up a library book a few weeks ago called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, and what felt validating is that none of what she wrote was new to me. I’ve felt the hum of slow burnout many times in my life, and I have learned to slow down and listen to the soft calls of my body asking for rest.
But it hasn't always been that way, and I'm still very much in an overwhelming season myself, something I was reminded I'm not alone in while spending time with girlfriends this week.As women do, we started talking about health, aging, and parenting - topics on constant repeat these days in my circles. Most of us are struggling with good, deep sleep (child wake-ups, bathroom visits, anxious thoughts, hormones, racing heart-rate), stress levels during the day (mine are highest on snow days, IYKYK).
The Challenges of Motherhood
My girlfriends are all in their late thirties to late forties - a decade that is filled with more self-confidence and boundary setting than our 20s and 30s, yet very much in the thick of trying to raise kind, responsible children, not yell or lose our sh*t on our families while layering on the start of the “zone of chaos” as my MD friend labeled it, of perimenopause into menopause.
And we are all doing our best to stay hydrated, sleep 7 hours at night, lift heavy weights, keep our spines flexible and balance strong, eat all the protein, ward off crepey skin, keep our cool during the kids’ meltdowns, not nag our spouses, manage family calendars, and keep abreast of growing research around tech and child development. Most of us maintain full-time jobs… the truth is, we’re tired.
And I know my circle of pretty privileged friends is not alone - in fact, in August of 2024, the Surgeon General cited that “parental stress is a significant public health concern, highlighting that modern parents face overwhelming pressures from finances, work, technology, and isolation, impacting their mental health and, consequently, children's well-being.” This stress and pressure expand across socio-economic, regional, and racial lines.
Burnout is Real
What pissed me off about the book mentioned above is that the writer quit her job. It makes me mad because it feels like if we want to rest and finally come back from the edges of despair, it’s the only solution. It’s a trend among women that’s been well-documented lately. And I see it happening amongst my friends too - after 25 years of busting their asses in the workplace, working 10-hour days minimally, and trying to hold the family together, they burned out.
And because workplaces lack flexible options for part-time and, now, less so, remote work, many women face the complex reality of having to leave their careers to sustain any sense of well-being for themselves and their families. Going from a two-person household to a single-person household also has significant implications, adding another layer of financial stress. Primary parents who stay at home do not have it any easier with the cultural pressures of parenting in an age of social media, the epidemic of loneliness, lack of “village” community support, and expectations for parents to be more and more involved. In fact, statistics show that parents spend twice as much time with their children as parents of 50 years ago. I’m not saying that’s a negative (in fact, I consider it crucial to secure relationships), but it’s in addition to so much more than we experienced 50 years ago.
Turning to Connection
It’s not a surprise to me that I hear more and more about people wishing to “go analog” and turn back time, reviving more “traditional” ways of living - farming off of their own land, getting rid of technology at home, trading cars for bikes, “homesteading” more… We have been surviving on dopamine, cheap and easy thrills to feel satisfied and left with little meaning and true connection to ourselves and others.
The pull to slow down, winter, disconnect to really connect is evident across our entire developed world. It’s a shame, though, that it comes as a reaction instead of a steady, preventative, integrated way of being in this world. Women shouldn’t have to quit their jobs to finally catch a break. Perhaps we can all be more mindful to welcome an invitation to be more intentional with our energetic spend, where we can lay down more boundaries and prioritize real rest. The entrance of winter, with its hibernation and shorter days, can be our annual reminder to downshift and turn inward as well.
15 Ways to Have a Better Winter
So I offer, as integration, as hope, as a lifeline for sustainability, some ways we can joyfully welcome wintering:
deleting social media - perhaps for the season, choosing presence in a time of presents
putting phones to sleep before we do, away from our beds
napping, going to bed in the 9s, sleeping in to the 6s, being okay “missing out” by calling the night earlier
weighted blankets, sipping tea and watching the sky transform
paperback and hardcover books, piled on the nightstand instead of reading on devices, or even better, magazine subscriptions mailed to your home
long baths and showers, including Epsom salts, beginning with dry brushing to exfoliate and move the lymphatic systems
slow, mindful exercise like yoga, pilates, short weight circuits that build in rest and walks with layers like snowpants and no devices, witnessing the season change
pets on laps during video calls, allowing them to co-regulate us
holiday light night drives
letting boredom be the norm, not the thing to avoid
silence while driving, while walking, while eating… just more silence
roasted root vegetables, soups and stews. using the crockpot for slow cooker, easy and hearty meals
creating and affirming family rituals and traditions around the holidays
saying “no” more and more, only “yes” to the things that light you up
asking for help, like taking your shoes off and getting cozy at your therapist’s office or connecting virtually from your own comfortable spot
These rituals are essential to reset our nervous systems - to offer a break from the hustle and mental, physical, and emotional loads. But I know it’s not enough. We do need real systemic change, increased community support, paid parental leave that isn’t determined by your job classification, more stable and affordable childcare, summer programs that don’t require sign up in January, more villages, more shared mental labor between partners, less saying “I’m fine” to instead creating spaces to open up and talk about how hard it all can be - through more connection offline, carved out moments to hold eachother that isn’t smashed between pick up and drop off.
A New, Brave Alternative to Hustle Culture
For women, especially, rest is imperative to our fragile ecosystems - the one we live within and the one we’ve cultivated around us. I know too many women who find themselves buried by burdens of perfectionism, patriarchy and patterns of martyrdom passed on from women before them.
My hope is that when my girlfriends get together, or the girlfriends of the next generation gather, it’s not stories of stress and exhaustion but stories of beautiful restoration and reclamation of their divine feminine tenderness. Softness, slowness, steadiness. Can we be the newly defined matriarchy offering another way?
Let each of us be the example. Perhaps we can be the change we wish to see in the world.
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Conscious Transparency: This newsletter was edited by AI for grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, but every idea, tone of voice, perspective, and word choice was my own. This newsletter is imperfect because a human wrote it. Thank you for your graciousness.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: I mentioned it above, but my Oura ring has really changed my understanding of the stress I carry. I don’t love all the “bio-hacking” nonsense out there, and I do caution against using tools instead of insight to tune into our bodies. But for me, the Oura ring has validated so much of what I feel. It also encourages rest, like all the time. If I am still working on permitting myself to do so, this little ring alerts me and holds me more accountable.
Gratitude: To find a time when eight women with full lives can all meet out during one of the busiest times of the year was such a blessing. I love my annual girls’ trip with girls I’ve been best friends with since we were 12. Quality time is my love language, and it’s time I’m so grateful for. Let this be your guide to plan the girls' night, the staycation, the girls’ trip. My husband is great about this too - either golfing or skiing every year for a boys’ trip. This time with our friends is essential.
Innovation: Women have been misled on how to best care for their fitness. We are constantly told to do more when, in fact, especially as stressors increase, we must do less. Less cardio, less intensity, less frequency. More food, more intention, more time for rest. Slow it down.
Feels: As the holidays are upon us, all this talk of womenhood and rituals does make me grieve what could be, what could be different. This is common this time of year, and I want to honor if you, too, are feeling sadness, loneliness, and a longing for something else. My heart reaches out to yours - it’s never easy, but you’re never alone in your pain. Someone, many someones, share it too. Being a human in a fragile body in a harsh world takes effort to remain hopeful, optimistic, grateful, and at peace. I think this may be the reason for therapy after all - to share the challenges of being a human. So if you haven’t yet, I hope you also reach out.