How to Talk To Kids About Hard Things
It’s been a sad week in America and loved ones, kids and adults might be wanting to talk about it. Often we avoid uncomfortable or unfamiliar conversations. While in the short-run that may feel better, in the long wrong we cause more pain.
Let’s dig in.
TOOLS
Whether you’re talking about race, suicide or gun violence, the first and most important thing to do is check yourself.
You must be prepared to do your own work in order to navigate conversations that feel uncomfortable. The work starts with developing awareness of your own bias and privilege. We must look at our blind spots and take accountability with where we need to listen, learn and grow.
Some great tools for this are:
The Anti-Racism Daily newsletter from Nicole Cardoza
The @SoYouWantToTalkAbout Instagram account
Check your implicit bias with this set of quizzes developed at Harvard
Look at how you judge others. Practice mindfulness to catch your judgmental observations.
GRATITUDE
In order to have uncomfortable and difficult talks about hard things in the world requires a level of safety in the home. Kids are going to have questions and they have to have permission to be vulnerable and get curious without shame or judgment.
I’m so grateful I learned of the “Safe Chair” principle. The Safe Chair is a special place that once the family member sits in it, they can speak honestly about what is on their mind, ask questions and even confess to a mistake without any judgment. This does not mean there are no consequences for bad behavior, but they are allowed to share freely and safely.
If you do not already have a safe space for hard talks in your home, I urge you to establish the practice. We have to allow our kids (and partners!) space to process without fear of repercussions. We have to allow for vulnerability and curiosity in the home, without judgement from those that are supposed to love unconditionally.
If a child or family member feels safe and less judged at home, they will learn to love themselves, give themselves grace and compassion. The less someone judges themselves, the less they end up judging others!
INNOVATION
Part of having the “safe chair” is also making time to validate each other’s and our own feelings. I’ve found that so often parents try to protect their children from bad news and strong emotions of their own. What does that really do? This sheltering of others from our own big emotions invalidates someone else’s experience with strong emotions.
Your children, loved ones and peers need to see your big feelings. They need to see you scared, sad, angry and overwhelmed. How else will they know that it’s okay for them to feel those things too? The more we “protect” our children from our own emotions, the more shame they feel when they have them themselves.
Showing vulnerability is about practicing strength, courage, emotional intelligence and self-compassion. Sharing how events impact you is not weak, it is human. Showing our humanness is essential to connection and creating more unconditional love.
FEELS
When my sister this week marked herself as “safe in Boulder, CO” I knew something was wrong. While grateful for her immediate safety, I felt so saddened by yet another senseless act of mass violence.
It feels like danger can be around any corner as killings like these hit closer and closer to home and in more common, everyday places. And it’s true.
We are vulnerable creatures just living and navigating life. We are at risk every moment and that truth can either debilitate you or empower you. If we really have no control of the outcome, why waste one moment worrying? It’s our resistance to our inherent vulnerability that exacerbates our anxieties.
Accept the natural riskiness of being a human and find an ease and peace of mind that can give you the strength of ride the waves.
Click here to learn more about therapy for trauma.
