How to (and not to) Speak to a Pregnant Woman
Last April, I found out that I was pregnant. My husband and I had been “not not trying” - a phrase that only couples who have decided that they are kind-of sort-of-maybe ready for a baby will understand - for just a few months. “If it happens, it happens'' we'd say - code for we’re really wanting this, but are desperately trying to remove all of the added pressure and fuss that’s attached.
Amazingly, even with all of those cliches at bay, I still found myself obsessively peeing on sticks and gazing at my profile for just a little too long (always with one hand on my belly) each time I passed my reflection in a mirror. What can I say, once I set my mind to something, it’s pretty hard not to let it become all consuming. And I do mean all consuming! I suddenly found myself thinking about becoming pregnant at all hours of the day and night. I even got quite good at casually sliding the idea of a baby into daily conversations with my husband, which as you can imagine was oh-so confusing to him as he actually believed me when I initially said, “Let’s just take things slow and see what happens”. The thing is, I (sort of) meant it when I said that, but this baby stuff… It sure can do some rather strange things to a person.
Turns out, we were the lucky ones. It was only a matter of weeks before I was dry heaving over the toilet and eating ramen noodles, Doritos and rotisserie chickens like they were going out of style. Did I mention that I was vegetarian?! I quickly learned that the 1st trimester of pregnancy is no joke AND that very few people had a clue when it came to interacting with a pregnant woman.
But before I continue chatting about my journey into motherhood, I think it’s important to mention that infertility and complications during/before/after pregnancy are real and hard. This blog is in no way meant to minimize, generalize or be used as comparison to any other woman's experience, but instead serve as a light hearted/real-talk tale of the do’s and don'ts of interacting with a pregnant woman, from the perspective of someone who recently procreated. Take what you need, and leave the rest… and if you are currently pregnant and reading this blog post, you are doing a great job. It probably doesn’t feel like it, but let me assure you, you are.
So back to me, my bag of chips and throw up bucket.
The first 12 weeks of pregnancy had me feeling like I was hit by a truck that was simultaneously spinning around in circles. And somehow that truck smelled a lot like stale beer and feet. I couldn’t eat anything that resembled my normal, decently healthy diet, moving my body felt impossible and I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a few hours tops. I was gaining weight rapidly, extremely hormonal, sick to my stomach 100% of the time and don’t even get me started on my sex drive. I was basically in survival mode and starting to seriously question why on earth I wanted all of this to begin with.
Cue 2nd trimester bliss. My nausea went almost entirely away, and I felt much more energized and prepared to celebrate this little nugget inside of me. We were ready to tell the world! But, you know, freaking out inside because “it’s still so early”, “so much could happen”, “did you hear what happened to cousin Becca’s friends sister’s aunts twice removed niece?!” Yeah, there was a lot of that self-sabotage happening too. Pregnancy is great, huh?
Nevertheless, we took the plunge and posted a cutesy video on social media, called our grandparents (Covid-days) and texted out a few screenshots of little miss’s first ultrasound. We. Were. Ecstatic. And then, naturally, people started to reach out, send congratulatory cards and packages filled with cute little onesies and diapers in every size imaginable. Eventually my belly grew big enough where complete strangers would shine a smile my way or ask if it was a girl or a boy and when they’d be arriving. This is about the stage in pregnancy when I realized just how clueless people were when it came to interacting with a pregnant woman.
For instance, please tell me when it is ever acceptable to comment on someone’s weight? If you are telling a pregnant woman that she looks anything other than glowing, gorgeous, remarkable, oh my god you can’t even tell that you’re carrying a baby in there… just don’t, okay?
And please don’t, I repeat, do not ask a pregnant woman if she’s carrying multiples! That question is essentially code for yikes, you look extra ginormous today! Women gain on average between 25-35 pounds while pregnant, but let’s be realistic and just call it 50. And speaking from experience, that weight gain doesn’t always happen gradually, or exclusively in the belly region, either. Along with the extra pounds come feelings of insecurity, frustration, and disappointment, not to mention the added guilt for feeding into any of those negative emotions for too long. I mean, you’re carrying a beautiful, healthy baby, shouldn’t you feel happy/elated/delighted at all times? The answer to that question is certainly not... but that does tend to be the unconscious expectation held by society.
After a lifetime of accepting a certain body image, sense of self and meaning for life, suddenly everything gets turned upside down. Just pump some insane hormones through those veins of yours and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a pregnant woman. The unspoken truth about pregnancy is that it is really hard, and the greatest way to minimize a pregnant woman's state of being is to reassure her that what she currently feels won’t matter later on, because maybe it didn’t to you. I remember good hearted people telling me on repeat, “As soon as you hold that baby in your arms, everything will feel exactly right”. Well yeah, except I no longer recognized my own reflection, my body was recovering from the intense physical trauma of labor, my nipples were bleeding from having absolutely no clue how to properly breastfeed, and then there’s this baby in your arms that you’ve never met but are suddenly 100% responsible for. Talk about intense. And don’t get me wrong, I am obsessed with my little one, but this mothering thing isn’t as glamorous as people make it seem (AKA it’s been 3 months postpartum and I can count the number of times on both hands that I’ve changed out of sweatpants, my top knot has grown increasingly untidy and did someone say sleep deprivation?)
Those harmless words of encouragement that people express tend to shut down any hope for a real connection in the present moment. Instead, it trains pregnant women to suck it up buttercup and makes them think twice before venting about their unfortunate symptoms or elevated emotions. Consider being diagnosed with a medical condition that altered just about every single part of your physical and mental being. Then imagine receiving very little sympathy from your peers in regards to your ailment. In fact, your loved ones are happy for your condition. As a relative, family friend, etc., it can be really challenging to hold space for a pregnant woman when you’re so greatly benefiting from her current state of struggle. Let’s be honest, it can be tough to think outside of yourself in general, not to mention while feeling all of those mushy-gushy baby-coming-soon feels.
Have a baby, they say. What they don’t say is that in 9 short (or ridiculously long) months you become a changed human being. Everything you thought you wanted/needed/craved out of life completely shifts. And let me tell you, the person that you are when you finally get your hands on that gorgeous little baby is not the same person that decided to have them in the first place. You are better. Just a “better” that you never imagined/considered/wanted to be. And you are stronger. But not in the traditionally acceptable muscular type of way. So yeah, pregnancy has a unique way of changing you. And the longer that you hold on tightly to the person that you thought you were, the more challenging your evolution into motherhood will be.
Next time you encounter a pregnant woman, instead of commenting on her appearance, taking her down your personal memory lane or minimizing her current fears and frustrations, try listening. Listen to her needs, ask if she’s doing okay, and for goodness sake, go buy that girl some salty french fries!
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