Guilt Is Not An Emotion
Why do you over-commit? Why is it so hard to say “no”?
Many of you will find that it’s natural tendencies/conditioned habits to want to make others happy, to avoid conflict and not have to feel the dreaded guilt.
What if I told you that guilt is not an emotion, but rather, guilt is a story.
Let’s learn more.
TOOLS
Boundaries.
If you felt a physical reaction reading that, it probably means you need to work on them! Boundaries do not only apply to people, they apply to how we use our time and what we prioritize.
In this recent incredibly relevant, popular article in NY Times, the author describes what most of us can feel these days: languish. The general feeling of “blah” or “meh”; of apathy, lack of motivation, coasting through the days only to do it all again tomorrow. It’s not quite depression but it’s certainly not thriving. It reminds me of the early days of the pandemic when I used to say, “No one is thriving, everyone is just surviving.” That’s languishing.
We must identify our top priorities so we do not just end up continuing to survive (physically, mentally, as a parent, as a kid, as an employee) and that’s where boundaries come in.
In my latest (short, 10 minutes!) Facebook Live video, I talk about my favorite tool for establishing those boundaries - the glass versus plastic ball analogy.
GRATITUDE
I also rewatched this week the Brené Brown special on Netflix. In it, she talks about how people who are most resilient share one singular trait in common: gratitude.
Facing stress, burnout, survival, adversity, criticism, fears, worries and shame…how we overcome these things is tied to our level of gratitude.
So what this means is not the cliché, “Everything happens for a reason” lingo but rather in the face of the hard stuff, what do we dwell on?
Our thoughts carry power and meaning and we get to choose our thoughts. If we choose the thoughts carrying the weight of self-judgement, catastrophizing, worry of what others may think, and trying to control the outcome… well, we will feel that heavy burden all the time.
Instead, if we choose the thoughts of thankfulness, hope and empowerment, maybe we could release ourselves from our toxic habits. Maybe, life wouldn’t have to feel so hard.
INNOVATION
One of the most important reframes to live with a bit more ease is to understand an updated (innovative?) definition of success.
Success is not making everyone happy or smooth sailing.
Success is rolling with the punches and putting out fires while remaining in alignment with your values and taking care of yourself.
Breathe. There’s freedom in that definition.
FEELS
A lot of you tell me though how guilty you feel when you decide to prioritize yourself in a situation. You chose your health, happiness and peace. You said “no” to someone, practiced that boundary and listened to your own body. Yay, you!
But the aftertaste of guilt remains.
Guilt is a story you tell yourself that CREATES a feeling, not a feeling itself.
When guilt comes up, I invite you to ask yourself a series of questions:
What fear, worry or shame feeling is this triggering?
What is the belief system behind the fear, worry or shame?
How have I been conditioned to believe this about myself or the world?
What may also be true?
Can I choose this alternate truth, the one that feels more liberating, hopeful and empowering?
Breathe. Release the guilt. Take care of yourself. Practice this over and over again to recondition your responses.
And as I’ve been told before, the people that are offended by your boundaries are the people who have been taking advantage of you not having strong enough ones.
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