Creating Space to Feel Fully
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Oh, man did I “should” on myself this week.
After too many days of too much life happening without my normal self-preservation tools being utilized, my feel-good reservoir was empty. I didn’t have any resources left and I was raw, moody, anxious, and low. Really low.
But how could that be? I have so much I should be happy about. I criticized myself for my low mood. I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be appreciative, content, and fulfilled. Didn’t I just come off a wonderful week?
And that “shoulding” took me into an epic spiral.
TOOLS
I hugged a tree on Wednesday.
In fact, I tend to hug a lot of trees. I see their life, their majesty, and look up at them with so much admiration. When I put my hands on them I get a deep sense of grounding and also heartbreak. They die. They are destroyed. They are life source. They are ruined. They are amazing.
This conflict is hard. It’s difficult to be so in awe and so sad. It’s painful to hold such conflicting feelings inside of us. It’s a struggle to our perceptions, identity, and next steps.
So we choose. We compartmentalize. We choose a reaction or a feeling to an experience. It’s easier that way.
And we identify ourselves: I am depressed. I am anxious. I am lonely. I am grieving. I am grateful. I am fulfilled. I am content. I am hardworking.
Bullshit.
GRATITUDE
Do you ever get really frustrated when you’re told (by pop-psych, grandparents, self-help experts, social media, and ME) that you should be grateful?
Gratitude is wonderful. In fact, I know 100% that if I get outside in nature or take a yoga class I cultivate enough gratitude that can last me most of the day.
But, I also have to remind myself that I can be grateful and wanting. I can be happy and feel things are hard. I can be content and wanderlusting. I can name my privileges and be in pain.
It’s the denial of the “and” that keeps us in suffering and resistance to the truth of our experiences and ourselves. Our experiences are complex. Our feelings are multiplicitous.
In our eagerness to label an experience, put it in a box, and move on (for survival, sense of ease, protection, all those egoic/biological reasons…) we ignore the natural complexity.
And so we must welcome the entire spectrum of emotions into our inner world.
The third parent in our house, Daniel Tiger, likes to sing,
“Sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time, and that’s okay.”
Have you ever cried happy tears? If you have, you know this feeling.
Parenthood is the perfect example for dueling feelings: it is both incredibly magical and intensely irritating.
We get in trouble when we think we can only define something or ourselves one way. I must appreciate everything. Or I must feel grateful all the time. Or I must LOVE this entire experience.
Apply this to parenthood, work, relationships, where you live, your body…
It’s okay to be ambivalent.
FEELS
I just took a huge breath. I felt my energy shift.
Permission to be ambivalent. Permission to feel two things at the same time (or even more than that). It’s freeing, it’s pressure releasing… it’s relief.
I can be happy and also feel things are hard.
I can disagree with someone and also appreciate them.
I can dislike my kid and love them intensely.
I can be anxious and also trusting.
I can be lonely and also lovable.
I can be selfless and also selfish.
I can grieve and also feel relief.
I can be sad and also grateful.
I can be content and also ambitious.
Open yourself up to the full experience. Give yourself and others permission to feel all the feels…at the same time. There is no rule book. There is no defined emotional reaction to a set experience.
You do not need to label yourself by a singular emotion.
So breathe. Breathe to allow the space to welcome all the emotions.
It’s going to be okay.
Click here to learn more about therapy for mindfulness.
